Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Today isn’t over, but I wanted to post anyway. Seems journaling and talking stuff out seem to help just a bit.  I had to lay down and take a nap today, not because I was tired – I am – but because my legs wouldn’t quit running their marathons. I wonder where they think they are going when they get restless…

I am going to write you a letter, or start one, when I finish this. I truly hope that I get the address soon, but I’ll do my best to be patient. It’s very hard, though.

In the meantime, Starr had Shaylynne over last night. She fell asleep early. They got out of the pool a while ago and didn’t have towels. Starr had no intention of using a towel, but Shaylynne wanted one. I kind of got on them for not getting a towel before they went out. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I think I’m just still uptight and will be for a while. I almost hope for school to start soon or us to get active. I have a half shoot tomorrow and then I am signing the contract for a full shoot for a wedding in September. Slowly, by word of mouth, my “name” in photography is getting out there. I hope to be able to take some amazing shots of you in your uniform soon. That way I can print them out and have them with me and I can also put them up on my digital photo frame, too.

I’ve made Kool-Aid and tea – of course; you were my first thought when I made the tea. I made a lot, hopefully they will drink it and it won’t ruin.

Anyway, I’m going to head out now. Might come back and revise this post later, just not sure. I have to utilize the facilities and do some other stuff.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

It was hard to wake up and go to the bathroom this morning.  Your room is another reality to me. You won’t be here for a while. I have cried a few times, but not as bad as yesterday. That was just plain rough.

I talked to Mrs. Adams this morning. She had some very nice comments about you. It makes me so proud to know what an upstanding young man you are and are becoming; to know that you are willing to give of yourself and never ask anything in return.  I’m so proud to be able to call you my son. I still cried. Seems when someone talks about you I cry. I will eventually get over that, but for now, it's just a reality. Guess I have to face it.

I was especially surprised when you texted me. I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting to be able to talk to you for a while. I didn’t know if ya’ll would survive the first week so I wasn’t sure if I’d get to talk to you this Sunday or not…I was prepared to NOT talk to you…and then I got that “good morning mama” text that just melted my heart.

Of course, I cried when I had to put the phone down because you would not be able to text any more, but I knew it was coming, so it wasn’t as hard as it was to leave you. I know that it’s just the next few weeks that will be rough trying to get used to you not being here, and I also know that it’s starting your amazing career, but dang it, it’s flipping rough.

I was waiting for a client to call me to go take a contract to them, and after waiting until eight, decided I was going to drink a glass of wine. I think I drank it way too quick..I was sure relaxed after that. Didn’t have to take a stress tab so I could sleep. Did that all on my own.  Just a few seconds of tears before bed and all was good. Lots of prayers going on, though. I can only hope that you are saying your prayers like I asked.

Monday, August 12, 2012

Monday was the hardest day of my life. I know he isn't dead..but it sure felt like it. That feeling of him not being home, here to harass me, to talk to, or anything like that is just utterly awful. To know he can't pick up the phone and call me or vice versa. It's rotten.
Don't get me wrong, I am SO SO proud of my son. He's a homebody - didn't like to go places. Loved staying home with mom and chilling with me. His company was my constant companion by day.
We left here Monday around lunchtime to take him to San Antonio with the intentions of going to Sea World and making the most of the day. We got halfway there..actually almost all the way there...and he realized he forgot his wallet. We called my sister-in-law, she went to the house and picked it up and met us on the highway. Then, we proceeded to head out. We were under the understanding that he had to be at the hotel no later than 7 pm, but that was true in a way, but untrue in another way. He had to be registered by 7 but had to be back at the hotel by 10. So, we finally got there and it was around 3ish or so. They weren't registering yet, so we decided to find a place to eat since nobody had had food since breakfast. We found an I-HOP and stopped. We sat there until five. Most miserable dinner I've ever had. Literally and on all counts. It was so hot in the restaurant that I had sweat running down my back...my family was complaining about it, too. The impending "doom" feeling had everybody down, so it was just overall icky. Nobody ended up finishing their food (which for my family is crazy - my family likes thier food.) We ended up taking a huge amount of food home.During dinner Shaun-Ray told us that he was nervous but not about the "job"choices. He was more nervous about leaving us. I knew that was coming but knowing that was stressing him really got me worried. I wasn't sure how he was going to do when we finally did have to leave.
So, we went back to the hotel and got him registered. That was when we found out that he had to be back in the hotel by 10. We went up to his room to see if he had a roomate - at that point he did not - and then found a bowling alley that wasn't too far away. We went bowling for two hours. It wiped away the anxiety and fear for all. It was nice. We made some fun memories. :D
Then we went back to the hotel. It was around nine pm. We went up - found Shaun-Ray did have a roomate (made me feel a bit better); until my husband started speaking to my son. I very rarely see this child cry. It didn't take much. My heart immediately started breaking. He finished his speech to my son, hugged him (my son was really crying now) and then let my youngest talk to him and hug him. Even more heartbreaking. My niece was next (she lives with us). She didn't say much, just hugged him and cried. Then it was my turn. He just grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. I just held him. Both of us crying the entire time.  I left my heart in San Antonio that night.
I got up Tuesday morning and enjoyed another cry. Our only bathroom (our master bathroom is in remodelling right now) is right by his room. So, as I sat in the bathroom utilizing the facilities, I cried. Later in the morning I got a much welcome surprise and he texted me. Yay! He talked to me off and on all day until it was time for them to get on the shuttle to go to their dorm. Then he told me that he wasn't going to get to talk to me anymore. I cried again.
I miss this kid so much. My heart isn't whole. I don't get to talk to him except on Sunday's IF his flight hasn't screwed up and if they did, it "might" be the next Sunday. Other than that, I won't get to see him until he graduates in 8 weeks. I just don't know what I'm going to do without this boy. How I'm going to function.
I know I say this now and I know it will get better. Here it is two days later and I've only cried while writing this, but it still hurts and that void is still there. My kids are everything to me and have always been right beside me through thick and thin. They are amazing kids. They will both succeed in life. (Hopefully I haven't gotten my niece at too old of an age that I can't get her to succeed in life, too.) We totally aren't worried about him and the TI's or anything - he was very well prepared for this - my husband was an "in your face yeller" type. He never ever raised a hand for the kids, but he did do a good job yelling at them - causing many arguments in our house - when I stepped in.